In other places, public officers resign their office when snafus show up on their beats. In Nigeria, the requirement for a fubar is that the one at whose table the buck stops is sufficiently lachrymose.
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471 of today’s posts the model found funny, from every topic, each topic’s best first. Page 1 of 7: the top 176.
Ranked Bluesky · Mastodon
About 5 in 10 posts here get an intent label; the model only labels the ones it is sure of.
McLlwain holds the record of 5 consonants. Paul Szczechura played for Tampa Bay came close. Martin Frk played in Detroit, and has no vowels. The most famous name with mostly consonants might be director Krzysztof Kieślowski who made Three Colours trilogy (‘93-‘94). #hockeycards
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McLlwain is skating in a road blue, white, and red Jets uniform.
I have long held that it's not possible to substantively iterate on the greatest video game known to humankind, but sometimes a true visionary comes along and makes you question your core tenets.
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screenshot of review: I think I would have enjoyed if your little balloon man had a random chance of developing cancer.
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When this happens, your character starts to slowly pulsate red and, by touching the near ends of the lightning, you can simulate a chemo-like experience, wherein (I’ve said “wherein” twice now in this review. Well, three times now, I guess.) you get to delay your death. After a while, however, depending on the kind of cancer your little balloon man develops (there are three preset types), even the lightning cannot delay your demise.
Dear outraged Wallace & Gromit fans. No, they have not announced that your favourite clay dog is getting a voice in the next outing for the pair. Martin Freeman is reading the audiobook of Gromit's autobiography so you get to hear his impression of what was communicated to Nick Park to write down. And as ever, you are not being forced to partake.
Russia can end the war at any time by dragging Putin into the street like the Ceaușescus
Some tech assholes in Silicon Valley read “Don’t Create the Torment Nexus” as an instruction manual, but they’re not the only ones. Variations: “My Torment Nexus is Open Source and Any Humanities People Complaining Are Just Too Lazy to Learn to Code so They Can Be Smart Like Me and Take Part in This Conversation” “The Only Torment Nexus Here is a San Francisco Hackerspace Without a Code of Conduct” “Sovereign, EU-Funded Torment Nexus” “What You are Referring to as the Linux Racism Machine is Well Actually the GNU/Linux Racism Machine…”
Robert the cat has ignored the late residents’ cat trees. This week I used the keyword “Maine coon cat tree” and came across an appropriate sized tree for all 18 lbs of former street cat.
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A large lynx pointed former tomcat with a clipped ear cuddles into a cat tree platform that nearly matches his fur.
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A large lynx pointed former tomcat with a clipped ear loafs on the top platform of a cat tree, surveilling the neighborhood.
Plague House update: Me: Day 6, lingering cough Wife: Day 4, feeling rough, in bed Son: Day 3, feeling rough, in bed Daughter: SEEMINGLY IMMUNE AND GOT ME TO DRIVE HER TO THE GYM AT 7AM
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume? Early film archivist: "The surviving nitrate print had considerable mildew and decay and we reassembled continuity using German censorship records and still photos."
I haven’t reread this since I moved from SF to Portland and the thing is that everyone IS actually foraging for breakfast mushrooms.
I was just searching for lists of 5-letter nouns. Of course, Google AI pushed its way to the top of the results to offer, among others, 'allow', 'drench', 'script', and 'flight'. Thanks HAL, you're an indispensable, stone-cold brain trauma.
It should be against the law to send feedback-free job application rejections out on Monday morning. Monday is hard enough without *that* email landing in your inbox before you’ve even reached lunchtime.
Who had "Mid-October Severe Thunderstorm" on their Colorado weather bingo card? ⛈️ This pathetic looking decaying thunderstorm in southeast Colorado briefly prompted a warning for strong 60 MPH winds as it collapsed this evening. #cowx
Me: WAT? Bacteria that are 0.6 mm long? Also me: Searching for largest known bacterium in the world which is Candidatus (Thiomargarita magnifica). It’s… ready for it? . . . . . . . . . . Up to 2 cm in size! Like, you don’t even need a microscope to see that. There is interesting science there…
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV? Scientist: I made it in TeX and can't figure out how to remove the gap but I also don't want to get yelled at if I post a question on stackexchange, so I have instead decided to appreciate the gap, which is still there
Trump hijacked a New York campaign rally to whine about losing the Nobel Peace Prize and called Letitia James "a dog." The Nobel committee might consider adding "handles disappointment like a functioning adult" to its selection criteria. #NobelPeacePrize
Bad news: Caps lost. Good news: the shepherd’s pie at Ireland’s Four Courts in Court House still slaps.
The first Ultima game has you travel from medieval town to twon in order to get enough money to buy a hover car and then a space ship, where the game then transforms into a space shooter where you have to destroy 20 ships to get a time machine to defeat The Evil Wizard Mondain
Things that happen in the film A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 that I need you to know about: -2 guy's bare asses are shown -the main character accidentally meets his gym teacher in a gay bar -Freddy Krueger tortures someone in a school gym by whipping them with a towel -there are 2 rottweilers wearing human baby masks -a parrot spontaneously combusts #halloween #horror #films
Thursday will be Lemmy and Craig’s gotcha day. One year of tabby supervision and judgement. Plus getting hunted for sport by Craig lest we forget that he may be small but he is A MIGHTY AMBUSH HUNTER! Lemmy likes watching people work, but by enforcing breaks to pet the cat, I think he’s in a union. #AdventuresOfCraigAndLemmy #CatsOfMastondon
#31daysofgraves humor (humour) is the topic today. Once there was a post, by a claimed #taphophile, amazed to find a monument shaped like a tree (very common in the Midwest) It’s our private joke now- OMG COME OVER HERE, THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE A TREE!!! #cemetery #headstone #gravestone
Making pasta sauce from scratch in a Korean Airbnb with frankly abysmal tools. Me: "I think I've done alright. I'd have @siracusa over for dinner." Lucy: "Great! He could bring his new mousepad over to show us."
It's machine learning if it answers math questions. It's artificial intelligence if it writes novel math proofs. It's super intelligence when the contract says you have to call it that.
Mr Bait just came down and said, "Good job I saw you eating jam this morning!" I had cherry jam on my toast and, unbeknownst to me, a blob fell off onto my jumper. He found it on the bathroom floor and, because, well, I frequently have things go wrong, he thought for a moment I'd done something horrible to myself and hadn't noticed yet. Again. But no. Jam.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume? Early Magic: The Gathering player: strictly speaking that gap doesn't exist any more due to The Mending. I have an out of print novel explaining it, but it's barely canon. Anyways they should bring mana burn back & put damage on the stack again
look at these things. silliest gait I've ever seen. motherfuckers unlimited. I asked the waitress about them and she said yes, they do just live wild around here, but -- and I quote -- "They're so daft."
Frontier lab PR side project: RubeAI. A swarm of agents set loose on the Internet looking for scammers. They role-play as perfect marks, flooding the scammers' inboxes with fake leads and taking things as far as possible then ghosting right before payment.
Q: Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the sides of their ships? A: So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Gentoo penguins propose with pebbles. If she accepts the stone, the bond is sealed or strengthened, so Edinburgh Zoo scatters colored pebbles every breeding season for males to court their mates.
Younger daughter "I need a fake moustache" Me "When for?" YD "Tomorrow for school" Me "Bit late to ask" YD "There is literally a box marked Moustaches and Wigs" Me "You've known me long enough to realise that might be a red herring" YD "Is it?" Me "No." YD "You are not tuff"
If our dogs had an old school dating profile: Sugar 6yrs young Loves walks, napping and scratches Hates someone touching her when she's asleep, being brushed, late feeding time and lawnmowers. Has zero recall and loves all people and most dogs.
Women love it when you tell them to smile more, which is why I tell my wife to smile every morning. Wait. That came out wrong. Women hate it when you tell them to smile more, which is why I make my wife coffee every morning instead of asking her to punch me in the face.
gf: there's lipstick on your dick, are you cheating on me? me *remembering earlier when my gf was asleep and i used her lipstick to draw marilyn monroe's face on my dick and made it sing happy birthday to me*: yes
Went to a birthday party for one of my kids' classmates. There were a dozen white dads all in Carrhartts, hoodies, trucker caps and the same beard, and there was me, regretting my shirt with buttons and pants with stripes. An gathering of Amish or Orthodox Jewish men would have had more variety.
When I was a kid, I loved stories where a lord, count, or baron answered the call of adventure. So, I wanted a title of my own and to answer the call, too. The closest I ever came to that was the day the pizza delivery guy called me "Chief" and invited me to have a few beers in his rusty van.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but nobody knows how they got in there. #dadjokes
Encounter in hospital lift: toddler stares at me. "Why's that lady wearing a mask?" I answered: because I'm protecting myself. His mum: there's lots of bugs in a hospital. 🙃🙃🙃 And yet no other masks to be seen.
Talking to Lil bro in Oregon. Bro: no, we don't have a HOA Me: ooooh, you could paint your house Optimus colts! Your doorbell could say, "Autobots, Roll Out!" Bro: no, because my doorbell is actually fart noises.... And I'd have to jailbreak my security system, and...(gets distracted)
Kicking open (and breaking) the glass door to the coffee shop and demanding, “Your biggest cartoon sandwich, right neeeeooooww!” The beating I receive shortly thereafter is understandable but maybe a bit lengthy.
Unlike the past years of my life, when it gets late, I just completely shut down. Need sleep. No helping it. Girlfriend has taken to calling it "turning into a pumpkin." Humiliated and adored any time I start to get super sleepy and I hear the loving coo of "oh no, she's turning into a pumpkin!"
Do you want to come to my apartment warming party? “Who’s going to be there?” Me. “Who else?” You. “Anyone else?” Probly not. “Does that count as a party?” Depends on what we do I guess. Oh, I forgot. There’s also a mannequin!
Feeding the dog with The Child™ when The Child™ reaches out and knocks the bowl over. The Child™: That wasn't me. Me: Oh? The Child™: I have 56 hands living inside of my body. One of them POPPED RIGHT OUT. Did that. But then it went back." Me: I see.
First year university hall residence I was voted "most likely to appear on the 6 o'clock news". I have no idea what that meant. My entire personality at the time was "depressed".
me on weekdays: I'm so busy with work. I'll do this housework on the weekend. me on weekends: Wow that week was stressful. I need downtime. I'll do this housework during next week. me today: Why no clean underwear?!
Friends are renting a cabin in Mt. Hood and this was one of the notes left in the guestbook. What the hell does this even mean???
Me: Back in the 90s, everyone used to put Jack-in-the-Box heads on their car antenna. My kids: 😶 Me: And if you spotted one, you could poke your friend and say “Jack Attack!” My kids: 😶
haha I love just checking out all the wild mushrooms this time of ye- what's that? no, actually we didn't see any chantrelles, which is a little weird but no big deal that's just how it is with mushrooms I'm fine with it personally because it's all about like just getting out there right *sobs*
I was sat on the bed the other day pulling my boxers off and my wife said 'You spoil those dogs.'
Being lonely is talking to an OF Phish on Snapchat for the entirety of my grandmother's noon nap because there might be a real human behind it - sadly, seemingly not. But at least I know that I can still ignore the lure.
im giving a last mopping down the lobby before my shift is over because it is quite rainy and the lobby begs extra mopping my workmate is in the office watching me through the plate glass window and he yells thats a lost cause ! and i kinda just blow him off because i fucking know its a lost cause but someone dragged really muddy streaks through my bathroom and out the door !! then he claps for me sarcastically i guess ? which i dont even really get but it pissed me the fuck off
My girlfriend said voting on all these propositions on the ballot feels like homework. I said, yeah, except when we had homework we didn't have to assume both the textbook and teacher were lying to us.
Mike Tyson has really turned to the darkside now!
Me looking at all the tasks I still have to do on BIG DIG #pixelart #indiedev #gamedev
Nicolas Cage was also excellent opposite Streep in the heartwarming romcom When Harry Wet Sally as evidenced in this poorly recorded Bass and Theremin video made shortly after me spilling Thai Food on my kitchen floor
Did you know that the U.S. Army offered Blur wads of cash to use this song in the introduction of the stealth bomber? Of course they said NO! youtu.be/SSbBvKaM6sk?...
i've played #endacopia #digitalart
Jimmy Carr has a book out next year on how comedy works. I greatly enjoyed his first swing at this for Penguin, now out of print, and appreciate the direct competition. Let battle commence. And whatever happens, I’ll be paying the tax on any earnings from mine.
I finally fixed labelwatch tonight, hopefully for good, and the root cause was utterly banal: I entirely forgot about complete data lifecycle management. Yeah, it was always collecting, never discarding.
Folks like to focus on how concerning it is that a group of crows is called a “murder” but we don’t talk nearly enough about a group of frogs being called an “army.”
My husband went to pick up prescriptions at Harris Teeter. They asked if he wanted a flu shot. He said no, and they said they're giving out a $50 store credit if you get it there. Huh?
overheard tonight at OG ZaZa pizza in Uptown, some guy talking about his tenants "i was driving by a little bit ago and saw a bunch of cops have hennepin ave closed, another wild saunday night in uptown huh" (it was open streets hennepin)
Let it be known that last night, at 11pm, I made myself porridge. I added clotted cream, nutella and a seed mix. (I almost mis-typed that as "Sex Mix") It was glorious. I might do it again tonight. THIS is what true freedom means to me.
someone sent me a nice personal (i thought) note about a project i worked on over a decade ago. after mulling over it in the back of my head for 3 days while attending to more urgent matters, i finally wrote a response. the reply comes 7 minutes later and ends with "(full transparency: i'm [name]'s AI assistant, helping him with emails)" this shit is going to break me yall.
My brain has decided to rewrite the lyrics to The Proclaimers' Throw The R Away in honour of their transphobia. So now my head is full of "I wouldn't know a single word to say, if I couldn't be so foul and throw your rights away"
for a couple days ive been wanting to make a joke like "every time i have ever laid eyes on a [some massive american corporate chain] it has been against my will and without my consent" but every massive american corporate chain has all these political fuckin associations that would corrupt the joke
reduce our dependence on fossil fuels: ❌ buy fossil fuels from our enemies: ✅
<professor_farnsworth_voice> Good news, everyone! </professor_farnsworth_voice>
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume? SAHM: That was when I devoted myself to humanitarian work in early childhood development and literacy, providing food security for people with special requirements, and large-scale, long-term project management for a variety of community needs.
Giant half stunt star and half rock star performers... don't piss them off... 🤣 youtube.com/watch?v=0Y6UEF9zVAI
A prince running around an isometric puzzle kingdom is not yuri and also this game came out two years ago and has positive reviews, why send it to an obviously-wrong curator NOW? #CurationWoes
explaining orson welles to a weeb: so basically this guy pioneered the audio drama. then he started making movies. you could say Citizen Kane was the first "seinen" of film. and with F for Fake he invented the "gainax ending"
to indulge in quoting from a song: john henry told his captain a man ain't nothing but a man but before i let your steam drill beat me down i'll die with a hammer in my hand, oh lord i'll die with a hammer in my hand
BREAKING SCOTTISH PUBLISHING NEWS: A spectacular party held at the SYP Conference for the bestselling sci-fi book '50 reasons to Go to Scotland' was ruined by the classic Scottish, consistent rain, ruining the chance of a film deal. The book has so far made £50 quadrillion in its opening week and will become Scotland's new national text.
I will never care if BlueSky is popular. I did forensics in high school. That's where you travel to other schools with a prepared acting piece and get judged against other students doing the same. Theater kids, but *competitive*.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume? Me: Ask the biggest lace monitor in Australia. Time has no meaning to him.
I bought some "anti snoring" nasal strips today and just looked at the back of the packet. I'm confused. They were out on the shelf, and the store was DEFINITELY less than 30°C. I'm not even sure where i can store these that will remain above 30° at all times 🤯
With Halloween on the way, this is your reminder to communicate very clearly if you plan to coordinate outfits. 😂
Call me Demolition Man, the way I’m looking at this pizza.
Sam's Club's A.I. generated image for Li'l Debbie Oatmeal Cookie tacos generated quite the buzz before it was taken down LOL 48-pack h/t: BethCato #SamsClub #LittleDebbie #snacks #cookies #Individually #wrapped #taco #cookies #artifical not so #intelligent #intelligence
in Soviet Amerika, private equity owns you #lowQualityPost
I just accused my sister of "being a big fan of colonialism" because she said she was on the side of the oxygen-producing cyanobacteria that caused the Great Oxygen Catastrophe of the Paleoproterozoic, 2.46 billion years ago.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV? Charles Darwin: That our employment collections are very imperfect, is admitted by every one. These many links we could hardly ever expect to discover, owing to the imperfection of the employment record.
I wrote up a story on the biggest money laundering fine in French history - imposed on a bank partly owned by Celtic’s main shareholder - and some commenters decided it was designed to put off the team’s players ahead of an inconsequential midweek Scottish league match.
This reminds me of when one of my Blood Lords players got infected with ghoul fever and wanted it cured, but messed up the check to find help and ended up at a "ghoul fever clinic" where they give you ghoul fever to make you a ghoul.
Its cool how in the opening scene of The Desolation of Smaug, Gandalf gives Thorin Oakenshield a flyer for a local black metal show but Thorin is like: "No thanks, those guys are posers, they haven't desecrated any barrows and use way too much synth for my taste."
anything by Ed Ask-ew, but particularly songs from his album “Ask the Unicorn“ #DontAskASong #HashTagGames
It's gives me such a happy little spring in my step to hear that I've sold more copies of my book than Suella Braverman has sold of hers.
Me when my hooman asks me how she is supposed to get another cup of coffee #RedHairDontCare
I have submitted a message requesting a dental appointment. This is not the same level of adulting as GOING TO a dental appointment, but I feel it deserves recognition.
If the Rapex is "Medievil punishment" then I say, let the punishment fit the crime. Rape is a Medievil attack, it should have died in the Middle Ages, so it deserves a Medievil defense. Spikes in the penis is pretty generous, if you ask me.
Whoo, boy... that was not ladylike at alllllll, what I just did to that Hook & Ladder sub. I'm glad you weren't here to witness that. No one needed to see what just happened to that poor sandwich. But it fulfilled its destiny in a big way and left this world with championship spirit!
Content warningAI, doomism, shitpost, meme
Sorry, can't help myself. (also sorry translators I don't forget you...)
TFW the waiter asks if Pepsi is okay.
mitochondria are the incels of the cell
ME: Just got out of prison. Served 40 years. HER: Forty years?! For cutting paper with Mom’s fabric scissors? ME: Nah, that was only 20. Got another 20 for turning on the dome light while Dad was driving.
SWA switched to Elon’s internet. Way faster, I admit. Trade off? They got rid of live TV. So I’m following the Brew Crew on BlueSky like it is a May game against the Marlins or whatever.
I have made a slopsoftware recomp of uhhh Ball In Cup. Look at me go, I’m swinging around a ball and I’m going to get it in that cup one of these days — and this time, it’s a native port! Maybe!
Maybe the media could stop referring to Russell Brand as a comedian now?
This post made me realize that John Stamos has technically been a periodic guest member of The Beach Boys longer than Brian Wilson was an actual member.
The Island of Sodor is steam engine Israel.
Maggie the Poodle is inordinately interested in my morning breath. Also, happy rainy Sunday!
The body dysmorphia has been in high gear the whole cruise so far. There’s been so many shirtless gods by the pool that I’ve felt like a gross un-muscled blob this whole time, only taking my top off in the privacy of the balcony. I hate it. I’ve got a lot of work to do when I get back to change that
Having a cursed bbq day
Today’s bright idea. I’m starting a new religion. Its primary tenant is that we do not engage with artificial intelligence customer service. Now I’m just gonna say “it’s against my religion to communicate with artificial intelligence customer service bots.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV? Me: That was when I solved the case of the giant rat of Sumatra, a tale for which the world is not yet ready.
Producers of televised football games have such incredible power that I hope they realize. Because for the last 45 minutes I’ve been walking around doing laundry and dishes and singing ODB’s “Got Your Money” and the wife’s about to kill me.
Boyfriends are watching Ready or Not 2.
Record shop visit with a friend: -Mistook Morrissey for Charlie Kirk -Learned that The Greatest Showman is metal -Found out Trapt and Meghan Trainor are shelf buddies alphabetically
I'm responding to this late because I was busy writing notes for BattleTech fanfic that has next to zero chance of getting officially published. Popular? HA!
An interesting encounter up North. We checked into our lodging then met up with friends for dinner. We pulled up to our place after to find a black bear tearing apart the trash bins full of the previous occupants’ garbage. We drove away to the office. Where we were told that’s just Bear-tholomew.
Sat in the GPs surgery & there's a woman on her phone very loudly discussing that she needs needles & a restraining order... I think her Mondays are a lot more exciting than ours 🤷🏻♀️🤣
Damn good thing they're not a laxative, cos I can easily put away half a pack of the dark choc covered ones in a single sitting 😂
To the lady at the Bulimba cafe this morning loudly bragging that she has an AI agent doing her job for her now and her bosses will never find out: you're complicating my pro-worker stance.
One day, a man sat upon a very large and flat rock. He looked up at the sky. The clouds were foreboding and dark black, and yet no rain fell. Then a frog hopped onto the rock and said, "Do you think it will rain?" The man said, "Well, I do not think so, for it is a dry season." Then the frog said, "Guess what? There is an emerald in your mouth." And sure enough, the man felt an emerald in his mouth, and it was a good day.
"A large hole has appeared in the middle of the pitch at Old Trafford. Grounds staff are looking into it"
Actually can't remember. Metallica had gone downhill and I spent many years cycling between Tool, Radiohead, Nirvana...got reprimanded for playing Nine Inch Nails too loud my first day at college This post makes guessing my age pretty easy
oh, you want some #catsofmastodon #cats #Humor #caturday
I sure would like to be making something delicious for Thanksgiving tomorrow, but instead my sinuses are throwing a fit at the weather and I have a headache that's making my ears ring. It's a bit like turning into an old television set when it had a good aura of static gathered around it.
5:01 AM, the cottage bedroom: I made a robust vegetarian meal last night, and we savaged it like wild creatures. We both ate so much that we decided to save dessert (pumpkin-walnut cake) for breakfast. I plan to heat the cake slightly, then top with cream cheese. *tiny shoulder wiggle* ✨️✨️✨️
Legally speaking, AI music is just vaporwave. Though it's several orders of magnitude more ecologically and economically destructive. You could just make vaporwave.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume? Designer: Yes, if you turn the page over you can see all the words are printed on that side
Does anyone else have the sports superstition where if you have the game on but you have to run out for a quick errand or something, you believe you have to LEAVE the game on your TV while you’re out or else you’ll lose? Or is this just my neurosis?
normal person watching John Oliver: wow, where and how generic drugs are manufactured is super important me: see, Liberty Biberty, *these* guys don’t have teeth
if you think hiphop is dead you should hear my friend kyle off a four loko. he's got the whole party crip walking in my living room
The thing about having three littermate puppies is they don’t default to human communication. Dog is their mother tongue, so they tell you they’re happy to see you by gently chewing on your face Add this to my semi-verbal husband who mostly communicates by sticking his finger in my ear and
A story in two images about my sleep pattern today.
Result of today's cooking adventure: verified that the kitchen smoke alarm works. (Don't worry, nothing was on fire, just a touch too hot... and I needed to open the windows. It was fine! The resulting naan was delicious! Just messy.)
“We used Google Cloud to confuse correlation with causation!” — those MLB/Google Gemini ads, essentially
So my housemate has severe ADD, and as such he kept losing a bunch of stuff. So I gave him my cute Pikachu bowl and told him, whenever you take something out of your pocket, it goes in the Pikachu. Where does it go? In the Pikachu. The amount of stuff he's lost has decreased dramatically.
I have built the greatest fantasy football team in the country. This month-long bottomfeeder has been retooled. The playoffs go through Paul Blake’s Quantum Leap. *laughs maniacally* *loses next week*
I want Monster Hunter World as nature documentary. Just have each episode follow one large monster, talking about it and its habitat, then a ten minute fight sequence when it tries to eat the film crew. Get David Attenborough, it'd be like printing money.
Executive dysfunction question: Do you put off tasks until the last minute? Me: Nope, I would never Also me: *puts off cooking until I'm too hungry to cook* Here's a recent photo of a hare.
Soda is always a semi regret because fun peanut fact. I can’t burp. So I’ll just be hiccuping for an hour. But, zero sugar vanilla howler root beer…..
8yo: What does “procrastinate” mean? [A few moments later, after having her question answered and being asked to clean something up…] 8yo: You taught me a new word, and I’m going to use it!
Russian bot net going down because of the data center strike? Not real. Rashawn Slater Joe Alt Russian psyops? Absolutely real and I can prove it I just need to avoid baloneys and carry around a Geiger counter for the rest of my life Moreover, ICE must be destroyed
I’m torn between: Homer reading his prescription label: "Toke as needed. Caution: objects may appear more edible than they actually are”; and, Dr. Hibbert telling him "Homer, for your eyes, the best tonic is chronic" both from the 2002 "Weekend at Burnsie's" episode.
“Still punk as fuck” I whisper to myself as I take painkillers with my high protein high fiber breakfast smoothie
Someone concocted the recipe for this giant vegan turd, tried the result, and decided "Yes, that's it. That's a marketable product that will help sustain this company".
Interviewer: Can you explain this Gap in your résumé? Actor: I was tired of working in restaurants so I tried a clothing store
4-year-old watching Dodgers-Brewers in the other room: "Daaaaaad, I don't see Munetaka Murakami." How do I tell him?
Toddler is watching (old) sesame street while having dinner and I’m cracking up at the Grover game of thrones parody of Chairsteros, where musical chairs is how they decide who will rule. “I cannot think of a worse ending!” “Don’t lose your head Ned” omg lol
I'm sick in bed with a strong flue (which is almost offending because I haven't been sick in a long time 🥲) so I thought to myself: "I'm gonna relax and read a book" So I bought a book about excellence. I've barely made it a few pages in before I thought to myself "yeah this isn't gonna happen" 🥲
I just learned there’s a Sushi Con in New York and every day I wake up hating myself more and more for not being a food creator Ever since Kerrygold sent that one girl to IRELAND for a BUTTER EXCURSION, bro
You know, I used to think I was smart: there was a time, in my own life, when I had assessed that I was a smart (or smart enough) person. Then I tried to read my electric bill.
My wife, with a super worried expression “I hear some screaming from the neighbors?” Me, looking up from my phone 49ers just won. Nothing to worry about.
The entirety of the Sven and Ole pier joke (as filmed by Ingmar Bergman)
(The audience for this post is my fellow disabled people and others with limited capacity) I am so proud of myself for actually cooking a thing
I wore a Monty Python and the Holy Grail knight costume that I made myself complete with coconuts to school on Halloween in 10th grade.
“Bowl of gruel as a permanent facial expression” motherfucker. “You won a dinner w Paul Finebaum!” What are we going to discuss? Turtle Wax vs Armor All? Greatest Alabama backup nickel between 1998-2003? Tommy Tubberville’s preferred pecan? Riveting shit. No wonder his wife falls asleep mid-coitus.
Update: it was 2002. I watched all the end credits to get to the Roman numerals.
Looked up the actual elevation gain on a trail I've called "flat" for six years. It isn't flat. I have been lying to several dozen people with total confidence. #hiking #outdoors
> "can you explain this gap in your resume" *whispering* stray bullets when I shot up the previous place. I slipped with my massive machete. it's a burn mark from my flamethrower. I spilled some napalm. I spilled some aqua regalia. I spilled some blood of a coworker on it and fixed it with Tipp-Ex. *clears throat* sorry yes that's uh, my sabbatical, I uh, took some time to work on myself. Optimized my strategy. Worked on long horizon improvements. I'll circle back on that. I'll let you know w-
"Welcome home, we're having dinner! Oh, no, we didn't make enough for you, why?" The only meals I've eaten in this house in the last week were ones I cooked. Including ones I cooked for them, too. No wonder I can't afford to do anything like get a hair cut, all my money goes to food.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume? Me: My immune system decided that my spine should be one single, solid bone.
Apparently I am the grungler. I am sober enough to walk home but not to fully understand. I assume this is a good thing. If so I am happily the grungler. If not wtf is a grungler?
I rented a white tux for my senior prom, only to use the jacket so I could look like Indy in Temple of Doom. My gf (now wife) and I got dressed up and then skipped the dance entirely to hit the local pizzaria/arcade. We played the TMNT machine for an hour. I am immune to popularity.
I had a couple olives from the jar in the fridge, 3 yo noticed them for the first time, and begged for one, insisting even after I said she REALLY wouldn’t like them I gave her half of one, and I stg, the combo look of disgust with the olive, and disgust with me for eating them, it was priceless 😂
Cooking with nerds: Me: How long should I nuke this for? Her: 58±3s, depending on the size of the egg. Me: Got it.
Have you ever gotten shitfaced and then tried to quietly cook something while every other person in the house is sleeping? I can't believe how loud everything is. I'm stirring pasta and it sounds like there's a cement mixer in my living room. Okay I'll check back in later.
- @rossgrady@dood.net
This year I have standardized on using the term "douchenozzle" to describe those fucking dudes in their loud-ass cars, driving around, revving their engines, backfiring. Only I say it SO OFTEN that it has now been shortened to "schnozzle."
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume? Radio operator: *whisks away resume* You didn't hear anything.
On the phone with my mom: "Yeah its been a pretty boring week, not much to note. We don't do much down here" three minutes later "Oh you'd find this funny. Last week when I got my photo taken with Bidens I told Dr. Biden..."
Show me a picture on your phone that has your energy that isn’t a selfie. A student made me a bracelet and asked me what I wanted on it, I said “my name” so naturally he gave me one with HIS name, spelled wrong. This describes my energy quite accurately. Patric energy.
A pair of assassins named Terms and Conditions
so we have a slight burglary problem at work with our storage container, and our managers bright idea was to chain it shut with dog leads because “it will deter them since they will need to bring bolt cutters” guess what happened next
Wife says to me, “it’s a good thing your handwriting is so bad. If the kid can learn to read that, you can be sure he’ll be able to read anything.”
I've lived in my current neighborhood before, and last week I rejoined the council-run gym. I was doing squats today when a staff member approached me. "Have you been away for a while? I haven't seen you here for a bit" Reader, the last time i was there was 2013.
Good morning, comrades. You creatures of light and darkness. Shining etherea and monstrous beasts that shuffle around in the gloom, always just slightly out of sight, but waiting with jaws and tentacles for those travellers who stray from the path. Hungry. Always so hungry. Anyway you know what day it is? That's right! It's another one! I hope you have a tolerable day, friends. That you find some joy and spread it about a bit. Really get that joy out there. Force it on people. TAKE MY JOY. There's no escape. God I wish I lived on a desert island. Sleep sleep sleep. Coconut collecting. Make friends with some fish. Sunbathe. Have a nap. Dinner. Bed. Bleurgh.
Far be it from me not to just let my past works speak for themselves.... but in case y'all didn't know, I once got paid a $20 bonus to instruct a flock of K-mart shoppers in how to perform the Macarena. Where image-fragility is concerned, I am unfuckwithable.
When people younger than I am lament their age online I frequently say to them that I am wearing a shirt that is older than they are, and it's true, I have three shirts that I bought in my junior year of high school, 1987-88. I just took off my favorite and I fear it's reached its end. 😭
my robot girlfriend died because i kept shoving pencils into her charge port like she was a macbook
The shop is open when I arrive. I carry the papers in and the shopkeeper hands me the scissors. I ask if she is getting earlier or I’m getting later; she says she is getting earlier. I’m reassured.
Saturday: reconfigure hot water system to burn negative price electricity Sunday: reconfigure hot water system for free electricity Happy Hours Monday: forgot to put it all back to normal, showers are cold, I'm in the doghouse
Oh my god I forgot at the gay bar last night I was peeing, which can take a hot sec bc I get pee shy, and the guy to my right looked at me and shouted “FOCUS… FOCUS” like I will light the dynamite right now and take us all down
Sometimes I hyperfocus so much, I lose all ability to function outside of my task 🙂 So I put salt in my cup of coffee today and bumped my shins into 3 tables today 🙂🙂
