I want to change my afternoon plans to taking a shower and crying my bed, but I have to get to the hardware store before they close.
OMG, I’m evaluating this 2nd grader. I reminded her we had a three day weekend. She asked what the holiday was, so I said “Well, we used to call it Columbus Day, but he was kindof a mean guy,” “Oh, that sounds bad” “so now we celebrate Indigenous People, the people who were already here.”…
so last night i was talking in my sleep and i was having a dream about this meme i thought my fiancé had sent in a group chat. I started laughing. He asked me what i was laughing at and all i said was "Pork BBQ". anyway here is what the meme looked like
single stair policies would be great and all but I love walking out my back door to dump the trash and then walking around the block to the front door and doing a full circle. oh yaaaay I'm home now!
Went to the little specialty market today and saw an older lady, maybe 80 or so, sitting on her little walker seat and looking bored and tired. We exchanged pleasantries and she complimented my "hex the patriarchy" shirt before sighing "fuck, I miss Quaaludes." Sometimes people are fun as hell. 😂
Did not get closer. I've seen the films.
Husband asked why I never know how old I was in any given year. Me: cause u gotta line the numbers up and carry the 1 and borrow from tens I ain’t doing all that
apparently my husband told our daughter to wake me up this morning and she said “No! Mummy is かわいそう” so i have a favourite child today
Tapping the "skip ennui" button in the lower-left corner of my life.
an unforeseen drawback of being a loquacious creative who is also a parent is your young kids will ask you things like “tell me about that time you were a kid and had a chicken for a door”
How can mirrors think if anger isn't real?
Why is Penny awake at 0600 I awoke from a dream where I was explaining to an English As A Second Language student that if she conjugates “to be”, She Will Have Been Being A Conjugator - English, where the simple existential verb unfolds into four words in future conditional
Just took a #normal shit. Me - 1, Samuel Pepys - 0
The worst part about the Canadian / American Thanksgiving difference is that when someone online wishes me “Happy Thanksgiving” I have to research their account to determine where they live so I know whether to say just “Thanks” or “You too!”
seconds masters going well, but socializing with new people is the real killer as opposed to classes. also its really embarrassing to have a cup of instant cereal before going to class and then your stomach growling so fucking loudly my classmates said they definitely noticed
Supposed to bring Kid 1's camp bag for next weekend to girl scouts tomorrow so it can be inspected by the troop leader but instead what I'm gonna do is say "I didn't want to" and then reassure them that I'll stop Kid 1 from bringing more Rule Following Kits than authorized.
why'd they call them swords when soldiering iron was right there
If I had a dollar for every time I needed a dollar, that would be convenient
Today is the anniversary of that time I got kicked off a United flight on the way to Worlds 2016 bc I wouldn't take off my Black Panther (comics) hat bc it made the pilot "uncomfortable" You can google it because it was the first time I went viral
Silence in a house with kids isn’t peace… it’s a warning. #memes #meme #dad #dadlife #ParentingHumor
I cooked today coming up with a fun phrase: "We are a rich tapestry of relationships, and I could do without that thread" Said in a convo about a person I know in irl circles who I'd be better off without. I hope the best for them, I just Don't Want To Deal With Them Anymore.
a doomed soul wanders across the eternal plane. after several millennia the wretched soul asks 'what did i do to deserve this?' abaddon replies: you posted 'I saw (Celebrity) in a grocery store in Los Angeles' copypastas 19 times
Me: loving my wife Oh gosh dang I'm upsetting the cis het white male comedians again
In English class when I was 15 we had to bring in a song we liked and I brought in a folk song about World War One. I trained for this
Our high school banned these surveys because emotions, so someone did their own, and IF I RECALL I was voted most likely to be a serial killer, which is ironic since I'm the nicest guy ever and some of my classmates are III%ers.
Anyway, two days a week, I spend 2-3 hours covered with hydraulic oil, and I'm getting college credit for it!
i was wondering what bit me when i remembered dropping a heavy fork on my foot.
they say "never trust how you feel about yourself after 9pm" and that includes thoughts like "I should get a recreation of a minicomputer from 1975"
Once again wishing I could get up from bed Monday morning, slip into an amazing set off fine silk robes, strap on my samurai sword and walk nimbly off to work. Like why isn't that an option? Choose avatar. Choose avatar! **pounds on keyboard**
[maybe the university looked up my feeds when they rejected my application for a masters of education a while back... oops this is a live one, better not let them in!]
sometimes I get in my head about the world and I get sad, and then I have a dinner with a group of people and I remember the internet is an anger/despair amplifier and I feel better
one last san francisco story: I overheard two guys in a bathroom stall doing cocaine while talking about salesforce
Broken tumble drier in the dorm is so fun :3
(sending photo of autumn landscape to tinder match) season of mist... And yellow fruitlessness... (sending same photo to flock of migrating swallows I'm in a group chat with) this shit sucks lol. Wish I could join you guys
Update: my wife finally told me “that’s enough”
Yes, I could relax after renovating the apartment for like half a year and finally moving in, BUT what about building some furniture from scratch 🤪
Ah, fuck, Monday is a holiday. [reschedules the calls he planned to make]
Today I learned if you turn a canoe over you can wear it as a hat Because it's cap sized
Ever wish you were talented enough to overcome your eccentricities? Or is that just me? Yeah, figured as much.
I tried to describe a defining facet of my personality to someone I just met, but was sharing a hotel room with this weekend, as “I was friends with a lot of guys named Kyle in high school.”
yet anoþer night where i just mysteriously woke up at 4am for no reason
Alright, reminder to myself, now I'm unemployed. It's because I'm moving to Australia. Not so I can argue about ghosts in Will Stancil's replies. As much as that is one of life's greater pleasures, we have got Things To Do over here.
I have to web search everything I say to make sure it's not some weird slang
self-confidence really is key. sometimes i worry about myself when i shouldn't but then i experience this in realtime
Update: I have been banned from three stores. Still single.
Good morning. Kiss a stranger today. Time for the ceremonial coffee.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume. me: yes, that’s the store where i sold clothes
My vibe has been assessed as "chill grace" and yeah I'll take that
my HS freshman year english teacher was named Mrs. Penix. after surviving hundreds of 15 year olds with that name, i had no choice but to respect
My habit of thinking through some discourse cycle and landing on “eh I don’t think this is worth getting all pissed off over” is, ironically, the thing that most reliably gets people pissed off at me
