[cuddling with my three year old] Me: where did my baby go? 3 y/o: he's in JAIL!
TopicsHumor
Humor
148 of today’s 210 posts about humor, best first. Page 1 of 3: the top 29, then 46 the model is less sure belong here.
Ranked Bluesky · Mastodon
About 5 in 10 posts here get an intent label; the model only labels the ones it is sure of.
Essentially, my plan is to do the computer equivalent of moving to a cabin in the woods with a solar panel and a well I dug myself. Additionally, and for entirely unrelated reasons, I have also been considering literally moving to a literal cabin in the literal woods with a literal solar panel and well. However, I would not dig the literal well myself. That seems like the kind of thing you want an experienced person who is aware of relevant Ontario regulations to do.
hey. yeah. you know what? yeah. that's right. tattoo this shit on my gravestone
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A section of my list of Amazon.com assumptions about me, with "reads diverse book genres," "appears to value specialized gaming peripherals," and "appears to select professional-grade sports equipment" highlighted.
Q: Do you know what killed the man who had a two ton pumpkin fall on him? A: He was squashed.
[Whisper app] I don't think Crab Man realizes he left the "hit" out of "hit it" in his "only [hit] it from the back" tweet
At Torment Nexus, we believe in innovation and disruption of the set ways of the industry. Where others employ an orphan crushing machine, we ask the question: what if a (metaphorical, not legally proven to actually exist) orphan shredder is more efficient?
You're walking down the street. We lock eyes. Then I pull out my phone. I look serious. Then I ask the question nobody expects: "You wanna see a shitload of pelicans?" 🪶 🦑
Don't worry about it, sharp-edged table leg; I've still got 9 more toenails (you insentient wooden twat).
My favorite thing about sending my child to preschool is how they come home just saying the most unhinged things that other children have told them are true.
Daaaaamn. This one hurts. #genx #industrial #nin #skinnypuppy #foetus #ministry #music
"I heard you struck my son." "Yes sir, I did." "Then may I ask why?" "Yeah, well, because he stole John Wick's car, sir, and uh. Killed his dog." "Oh."
Hello it is Admin
Alien Fungus: "Eww! There was a *human* in this pod and I've been growing out of his *eye socket!* Grody!" Human Colonist: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Alien Fungus: "Look, buddy, I'm not exactly pleased with this arrangement either"
Like, "back to normal" doesn't appeal to a whole bunch of people for whom "normal" sucked.
I think I’ll refer to the lack of vowels in my family name as my vowels of silence
This one weird trick* will make your kids instantly and immediately leave you alone. *refusing to stop singing songs from Disney’s the Little Mermaid
My request to spell “omelette” with π was rejected :(
THE KRAKEN HAS JUST REMEMBERED THE 9.30am DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT AND IS CHECKING GOOGLE MAPS TO SEE IF THE SCHOOL RUN TRAFFIC IS STILL AROUND.
I'm Al Gore and I invented the internet
“R says that if you touch one of those [electrical socket] you’ll get really hurt but you won’t get died."
😂🤣
girl suffering from erectile dysfunction be like "my dick has no game like a PS3"
Improve your mental health by throwing bricks at people
As you get older, you stop measuring your age in years and start measuring it in coworkers whose names end in “-eigh.”
If you get married, you tell that person EVERYTHING.
If I was a drug dealer I would drive an alto works
When shit was cool... Sony Discman
I'm not saying nothin'.
More in Humor
The model is less sure these belong here, so they sit outside the ranking.
Now that I think about it, I won’t feel truly seen by Amazon until it clocks me as “Obsessed with learning early aughties indie rock songs on his banjo” (currently working on “Between the Bars” by Elliott Smith, if you care…)
Yup. My dirt puns aren't mulch.
Mine lists “Maintains organized living spaces” under Interests and Hobbies and notes that I read mystery novels regularly and care for guinea pigs extensively. In summary: I am evidently the world’s most boring person, but nobody, not even Amazon, thinks my buttocks are flat.
this may not be that funny out of context but after a long day this is the funniest thing i can think of
Occasional you find yourself in a place with a cheese door instead of a cheese drawer. My cheese door brings all the hippos to the yard... Or something like that.
OH: "Sich durch die UI boomern."
"I have been baptized twice, once in water, once in gasoline from that minivan."
HitlerBunker incontinent adults diarrhAI #haiQu
No gunpowder, no explosives, just electromagnetism hurling metal at 8 times the speed of sound, fast enough to tear through steel plates like paper.
cargo shorts season lasts until your nose hairs freeze when you walk outside.
My epitaph will read: "Drowned in a tub of lukewarm water while taking 'bobbing for apples' way too competitively."
"Huh, no? We don't have an omelas kid. That's just the young reincarnation of a lama that is very good at doing taking and giving."
BANK OF ENGLAND: so you're an animal fan huh? Name three. shit wait no name four.
This is not where you throw a fastball to someone with 18 postseason home runs
I want a girl who gets up early I want a girl who stays up late I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity Who uses a machete to cut through dead apes
"At the risk of angering my beloved friends, i will say that i have come to the conclusion that a hot dog is not a sandwich. Its a taco"
her: baby why wont you talk to me anymore? me, taking a long drag of my cigarette: you just clearly didnt have what it takes to be a parkour civilization pro
all that matters at a party is: "No fights; No fires"
If humans had dog ears, poker would never have taken off
don't take apart a ballpoint pen within a minute of being handed one impossible challenge
When your "Pincer Maneuver" turns into a "This Was a REALLY Bad Idea Maneuver".
when i turn green its not because you can put me down. it's because i'm afflicted with poison
UDTF but you just turn into a living mini Australia on US or EU soil
THE KRAKEN DEMANDS COFFEE, WOE TO YOU IF THE MILK IS ON THE TURN.
Holster the penis 🤠 Until it’s time to shoot pew pew
"Posthumous knighthood for Benny Hill."
Seria um otimo super poder vc poder cometer crimes e apenas dizer "prefiro não comentar" e se livrar deles
“I’m not wearin’ hockey pads.”
that's the dank crawlspace where I thrive
If i was invincible i'd go into explosions and have my friend record me flying around
Misread paintjobs as pawjobs
The Trucks Of Cucks have a new name.
Everybody knows my catchphrase is "peachy-keen, daddio!" I literally say it all of the time!
The only thing that will cure this headache is a penis in the butt
We’re doomed as a fucking species aren’t we? 🤣🤣
"Please delete my search history."
i would chop Skip's nuts off if it would bring world peace
never feel bad about coming in second place cuz if ur #2 then ur the shit
Man juggled:
Adventurism smh
I’m too highbrow to send dick pics. Mine are pudtraits.
Oh fuck, it’s the cops!
365 party girl bumpin that
Now baby I'm the ripper
Is this the poison pen?
i have girlcock on the brain and braincock on the girl
