Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV? Astronomer: it’s because of dark energy. Or dark matter. Dark something. We need a bigger telescope.
General · page 2
Further down today’s ranking of General: page 2 of 5.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume? Me: I was killing people. For sexual purposes.
Interviewer: "...can you explain this gap in your resume?" Me: "I took a nap. It was a very good nap."
slowly coming to realise that it is not work that stresses me out but emails, the feeling of needing to be available all the time. this is a good realisation! currently I have a "my response may be delayed" auto reply and it is very relaxing
Me: Tomorrow's our anniversary, let's go out for dinner. Wife: We have food here. Me: Thank you Captain Obvious. that was my inner voice. Me: No, we are going out. It's nice to treat ourselves.
Absolutely stunning scenes during our approach into Vancouver this afternoon. Clear sky. Sunshine. Breathtaking mountain views. Quick pit stop at YVR and then onto Victoria ahead of the first Grand Slam of Curling event of the season.
My kid today: “taxis are insane, they’re like Ubers you don’t need an app for”
Drinking tea sitting at my correctly sized table in my correctly sized chair instead of the tiny apartment furniture, my skeleton feels so nice TAT I think furniture here must be like shovels where the dimensional standard was set a hundred years ago and never updated for post-famine heights.
by Tonybts2 #humour
Started writing Ch. 6 of my autobiography which details my first phone call with my now wife (a week before our first date). 3 hours on the phone. At the end of that call we both had decided we would marry each other, & we did. 42 years, 3 kids, & 5 dogs ago. !!!!!
What do you call a fly in a black and yellow jumper? A wannabee. #funny #jokes #dadjokes
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your résumé? Time travel. I could have listed what I did in 1066, but it was unrelated to my work.
Should probably mention that I feel like an alien that's trying to get an understanding of the world and the people in it. Sometimes I do things because I feel like that's what a person would do, not because it's something that is truly of my interests. Also mayhaps I'm a little nihilistic so nothing makes sense and I'm just going with it because it works ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I used to be afraid that a shark would come up the drain of our pool, so I would only swim in the shallow end until the sun was directly above. We lived in Chicago.
Me (to these socks): There was a time when you were the hot new socks, now you're the I-didnt-do-my-washing socks
I’ve got a date in an hour and I can’t find my gloves, mask, or tarp. Guess I’m the one who choked.
This morning I’m grateful for a beautiful morning walk in West Seattle!
This has been me lately. I did too much on too little & it created this loop where the lack of one thing led to the lack of the other thing, each compounding the other. Now that the rush is over, I've been finding myself in bed 3 hrs earlier than normal. It's getting better, but I still have
At a renaissance faire, during the joust the announcer said the score was "Two to zero" and I said, "That's ridiculous, these people woulldn't know about zero" and my friend's husband thought that was the funniest thing he'd ever heard
Husband: "When all you have is a hammer-" Me: "All your toolbelts better have some tongs."
Our toddler son has never shown any kind of fear, but today we took him into a Spirit Halloween and he was visibly upset when he saw a Shrek mask. In fact, he punched it in the nose.
I guess I was born old. I live less than an hour stroll from the houses where I spent 17 of my first 18 years, and I feel no urgency to leave, until I disappear to Iceland at 75 or so.
OMG, I’m evaluating this 2nd grader. I reminded her we had a three day weekend. She asked what the holiday was, so I said “Well, we used to call it Columbus Day, but he was kindof a mean guy,” “Oh, that sounds bad” “so now we celebrate Indigenous People, the people who were already here.”…
What a surprise, tomorrow's play date has cancelled by their profile vanishing. The ones who come across the most keen tend to be the ones who bail, so it was not unexpected. The worst part was this was my big motivator to organise downstairs tomorrow 😄
I want to change my afternoon plans to taking a shower and crying my bed, but I have to get to the hardware store before they close.
y'all, i'm on chapter 25. there's one chapter I want to add a conversation to, so that'll slow me down, but I really recommend getting away for a few days if you can afford to if you need to *get stuff done.* it's been REALLY helpful for me to not have 56 other things I want or need to do.
Halfway through my 16 hour shift and all I want is a little nap. I keep trying to read my book between jobs and every time I blink, the blinks take longer and longer.
so last night i was talking in my sleep and i was having a dream about this meme i thought my fiancé had sent in a group chat. I started laughing. He asked me what i was laughing at and all i said was "Pork BBQ". anyway here is what the meme looked like
Ah yes: the final step of holidays to the coast: cleaning out the car because it has turned into a tip. At least the kids kind of helped.
Back to work after a week away on Dubrovnik. What a lovely city. Now back for a couple of days before catching the train to London on Wednesday. 🎉
single stair policies would be great and all but I love walking out my back door to dump the trash and then walking around the block to the front door and doing a full circle. oh yaaaay I'm home now!
Went to the little specialty market today and saw an older lady, maybe 80 or so, sitting on her little walker seat and looking bored and tired. We exchanged pleasantries and she complimented my "hex the patriarchy" shirt before sighing "fuck, I miss Quaaludes." Sometimes people are fun as hell. 😂
Off with our son to our daughter-in-law's parents' farm for Thanksgiving tomorrow. But our d-i-l won't be there because she's in Rwanda for the month, right now at a hospital teaching med students before doing a couple of short placements. Absolutely fascinating, the life she's chosen to live.
Husband asked why I never know how old I was in any given year. Me: cause u gotta line the numbers up and carry the 1 and borrow from tens I ain’t doing all that
Did not get closer. I've seen the films.
I know I need to get up and move. Maybe be boringly domestic and mow the lawn. But I’m laaaaazy. Well I am right now. But the day is beautiful and being outside will be nice. Ok now I’ve written this I’ve convinced myself. Off I go.
I believe some people are perfectly fine living a quiet life mostly alone. Just like some people need a life with lots of company and socializing and companionship. I am the latter, and there's no reason to try to change that. I know people have wanted me to, but it's just how I am.
apparently my husband told our daughter to wake me up this morning and she said “No! Mummy is かわいそう” so i have a favourite child today
Tapping the "skip ennui" button in the lower-left corner of my life.
an unforeseen drawback of being a loquacious creative who is also a parent is your young kids will ask you things like “tell me about that time you were a kid and had a chicken for a door”
It's the season of lights on, curtains drawn for all waking hours. Well, road facing side anyway. Back rooms seldom used and neighbours will have to tolerate seeing me go about my day inside my own home.
I never feel more alone than when I’m in a crowd.
How can mirrors think if anger isn't real?
We do a huge extended family thanksgiving (unusual in Canada, it’s generally a chill holiday) and that’s why I was explaining to my kids that the kids they were hanging out with were the kids of “my cousin’s wife’s sister’s husband’s son from his first marriage. We grew up playing together!”
Today, we are 12.
choosing something to represent me has always been exceedingly difficult because the overlap on the venn diagram between "things I like" and "things that are similar enough to me that I don't feel like a fraud" is a laughably tiny sliver
If all goes well, I'll be in my new office by next Monday, so the kids that are sharing rooms will have their own rooms. We have convinced ourselves that this will solve all our problems. Please do not question this conclusion.
I am being criticized for using my pinky to clean my ears and I have been insulted: my hands (they are not paws) and they don't look "like horrible spiders"
The worst part about the Canadian / American Thanksgiving difference is that when someone online wishes me “Happy Thanksgiving” I have to research their account to determine where they live so I know whether to say just “Thanks” or “You too!”
This month has ddddrrraaaaaaged by, man. Feels crazy that it’s still only the 11th, lol October seems to be my “bogey month” for whatever reason. Dark and rainy weather, and just an annoying nothingness month between the summer and Yuletide. Sigh
